Hard Day

The sunday before my surgery, was kind of a tough day. I knew we had to do the surgery-more for my health then anything else but knowing there would be no more kids in our future is very tough.Especially because we had already started monitoring my ovulation (since Jan)and checking out info with the insurance company, so to let that dream go is hard. Well, it was a different service-their anniversary celebration so they were having people go on stage and hold signs. Those that had an addiction would hold up a sign that one side said,"used to be addicted to meth" and then the other side saying,"Now I have found an addiction loving Christ." Or another person with a sign that one side said,"I used to be depressed" and the other side,"now I find complete joy in Christ." Well, all was wonderful. People were singing and clapping and then a family got onstage (a mom, dad and 3 kids) Their sign read,"I used to be barren" and the other side said,"Now we have 3 beautiful children." Then it kind of hit me that after this procedure, I willl be barren. No more kids. That was a pretty big shock. I think I had been sort of in denial and just going thru the motions, not really thinking about it but that word just hit me and I started crying pretty hard. Believe me, I am not a crier-especially with people around. I do not even like to cry infront of Dave. I purposely watch sad movies with just me because I hate crying.Well, then Dave started crying too. That was tough because it made me cry harder. We just hugged and cried for a while and then I finally stopped. Then life continued. I think it just really hit what exactly we had to give up. Dave had already felt a little guilty for not being able to just get pregnant on our own so I just never wanted to get too emotional for fear it would make him feel bad. I know it is not his fault and it just couldn't be helped but it was still hard dealing with. So I usually did not talk about it-not wanting him to feel bad. So all the emotion came pouring out with what seemed like for hours. I feel better now-just sad sometimes. Like when we see a newborn or see a beatiful pregnant woman-which seems like they are everywhere these days. It will take some adjusting to. I know that I am very blessed to have the 2 beautiful and healthy children that we do have. They are amazing kids and I just want to constantly be reminded of that. I am taking a small break from making cards and gifts for others-I want to start focusing on my scrapbooks. I feel like I have been neglecting them lately and I want to surround myself with my family-by documenting and reliving the stories. I walked into the living room this morning and saw my kids looking thru our scrapbooks and talking about them. This is why I do this-for moments like this.I do not feel this is a hobby-to me it is more of a way of life. Not wanting to forget what we did together-life is too short. I wish I would have written more stuff down when Bay was little. But I do try and write even the littlest things down here on my blog so I do not forget them. Theses are the moments we live for.Life is too short.